That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
