Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
