I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize