Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
