went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
