life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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