Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
