we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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