end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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