totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
