He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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