Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
