Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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