If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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