On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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