Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
