I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
