Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
