also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
