i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
