Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
