remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
