How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize