I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
