I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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