it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
