Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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