Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
