My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
