this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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