So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
