I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
