cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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