The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
