I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
