Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
