The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
