please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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