this beer tastes like vomit already
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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