mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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