Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
