Christians are straight up FREAKS
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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