my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
