Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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