I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
