I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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