My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
