the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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