The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
