hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
