I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
