wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
