those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we made out on top of his cat.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
