She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
