I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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