When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
