Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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