I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
