i can't believe i had my finger in that
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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