this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
