I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
