I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
