So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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