I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
