Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
